The keys to a successful relationship: the man’s point of view
- Jürgen DV
- Feb 11, 2021
- 6 min read
Updated: Feb 19
I’m not a psychologist, therapist, or sexologist. I’m simply a man who’s been privileged to live in a happy marriage for the last 20 years. This blog is a personal journey to unveil the key elements for my happiness in love, hoping to inspire others in their pursuit of a happy relationship.
Go all-in!
“Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.” Robert A. Heinlein
The first key element in our relationship is that, since the beginning, we have both given everything to make it work. It was not our first relationship and it would have been understandable to hold back a little on either side but somehow this never happened: we went all-in from the very beginning, risking our entire existence (work, family, friends, finances, …) to follow our hearts.
Maybe it’s because we had to fight hard in the beginning and somehow, we just continued to fight and always put our relationship as a first priority.
Sometimes it may be hard to find the right balance between caring for her and for yourself but when it comes to choosing, always choose her!
Giving everything also means forgiving and expressing gratitude. You can never say thank you often enough!
Never consider her as ‘acquired’!
Even after all those years, I still refuse to accept that she’s ‘mine’. This may sound strange and very uncertain, but I have absolutely no issue with self-awareness. Rather, I believe that it’s my duty to keep seducing her, to make her understand that she’s everything to me, and to keep seeing her as the most beautiful, most desirable woman on the planet, including her gorgeous curves that came after the birth of our kids.
One of the pleasant consequences of this consideration is that it inspires her to continue seducing me, to glow like a sun shining on our entire household.
In return, she also inspires me to become the best version of myself, make sure I’m healthy, fit, and successful at work.
Understand your differences!
Like for any major goal, research and learning are crucial for a successful relationship. As Venus and Mars, women and men are totally different in so many aspects. Understanding these differences, knowing where your own reactions come from, and finding ways to deal with them are no easy tasks.
Fortunately, there are some great books to help you find a better understanding of the opposite sex as you can see in the list below. Learning about our differences, desires, hormones, anatomy, sensitivities, preferences and so much more has been the most rewarding investment in happiness I’ve ever made.
A simple example here is communication. When a woman has a problem, she needs to talk about it. When a man has a problem, he wants to solve it. The worst thing you can do when your woman starts talking about her problem is trying to solve it immediately. Instead, focus on empathic listening, really try to understand and hear her out … it will make a world of difference!
She’s part of my life purpose!
“You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” Dr. Seuss
Have you ever thought about your life purpose? Maybe you should consider making your significant other one of your life goals … the most important one.
Creating common dreams and projects has brought our relationship to another level. Some of these dreams had a massive impact (going for an expat career), others created some passive income (buying an apartment by the sea and promoting its rental). Some projects are simply fun to do (planning an exotic family trip) and some are there to share with others (our blog with life experience, charities for India, Yemen, and street animals). Whatever the purpose, it’s all about doing stuff together and creating common things to look forward to.
Ride the waves!
Life goes through ups and downs and I always remember that … THIS IS GOOD!
Whatever happens, a fight, illness, negative external events bringing stress or frustration, I try to focus on the event, not on blaming her. I just remind myself what a beautiful, kind person she is, simply going through a bad moment. Ride the waves with her, accept that the wave goes down before it will go up again. Nobody wants a flat line of endless monotonous repetitions. Without the lows, there can be no highs, so take them as they come. Avoid falling into a downward spiral of negative thoughts, just cut the spiral as soon as it starts.
Know that after this low there will be another high, they are always in balance. If it gets too much, I withdraw into my cave (office, books, gym, walking the dog, …) to charge back with positive energy. This can also allow me to prepare an apology if I’ve done or said something bad. Apologies are sometimes very hard to make, but they breed forgiveness, and they forge your relationship.
When I come home after a stressful day at work, I remind myself that it’s not her fault, she doesn’t deserve my bad mood. That doesn’t mean you have to put up appearances or fake smiles, but you can always take a couple of deep breaths before stepping through the door, tell yourself that these work problems will also pass, and simply enjoy her presence.
Give!
Love (and life) is all about giving. Giving from the heart, without expecting anything back.
Here’s where understanding her primary Love Language - Acts of Service/Quality Time – (see “The 5 Love Languages” – Gary Chapman) has given me some valuable insights. Although she loves receiving gifts like flowers, jewelry, … I noticed that the value of such a gift was absolutely unimportant to her.
Instead, giving an Act of Service (like writing a Love Journal, helping in the kitchen, cleaning the car, running errands, taking the kids to school, bringing her breakfast in bed …) or spending quality time together (date nights, staycation weekends, traveling, a walk with the dogs, …) is a far better way to fill her “love bucket”.
The time and attention spent on choosing the right gift appeared far more important than its monetary value.
Listen to the experts!
I also wanted to share some valuable advice from one of the experts, a kind of mentor in the relationship and personal development fields:
Tony Robbins: key success factors for intimate relationships:
Your relationship is a place where you go to GIVE, not a place where you go to get, otherwise, it becomes a transaction.
You are responsible to make your relationship great. If you don’t take responsibility, you will repeat the same mistakes if you start a new relationship.
Your state determines the shape of your relationship: don’t take her for granted, market yourself as someone desirable.
To grow in intimacy, there must be trust and respect.
Courage and faith make relationships work: the courage to be willing to open again, faith in knowing that there are no guarantees but you keep working on it.
Avoid the following mistakes:
For men: 3 U’s : Unseen (not noticing or paying attention to her), not Understood (not allowing her to open up completely before interrupting), Unsafe (not being there for her in a calm and connected way)
For women: 3 C’s: Criticized (men want to be your hero, not hairy women that need coaching), Closed (shutting off all communication will make him lose his mind), Controlled (control and love don’t go together).
Love is a verb
John Mayer’s beautiful lyrics hold an important truth. Maintaining a successful, intimate relationship is a never-ending work of giving, trusting, respecting, understanding, and never taking her for granted. It’s important to understand that, like everything in life, there has to be a healthy balance between highs and lows. I will never regret making her part of my life purpose and deciding to go all-in for our marriage.
After all, living a successful intimate relationship is my greatest source of happiness.
Take care & stay safe,
Jürgen
Inspired by:
The 5 Love Languages – Gary Chapman
Loving Your Spouse When You Feel Like Walking Away – Gary Chapman
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus – John Gray
Mark Manson blogs
Comments